Even Jesus hates Creed.

Stir fry holds the best culinary possibilities. There are just so many options. Its what we had for dinner. I also made a cake that apparently is quite good. Evidence for this is that near half the cake is gone. I only had one piece. HMMM who had the rest?

WARNING:Harsh language please don't be offended I'm just a little annoyed right now.



I am so sick of being talked to in a condescending way. I don't believe that it is at all intentional. At least it better not be. From now on people who speak to me like this will be treated to blatant hostility. I don't give a fuck who you are or what you are to me. I don't give a fuck how smart or how stupid you may or may not think you are. I don't give a fuck how long I've known you or even in what capacity I've known you. NONE I repeat NONE of this behavior will be tolerated anymore. It will be dealt with swiftly and I can assure you decisively. My response may hurt peoples feelings but guess what...I don't give a fuck (are you following the pattern class?)To be belittled (I think thats a word) is not something I like. More importantly when it is about something which I am quite informed and experienced in it is kind of well irritating.

Lately things have been a little interesting for me. I am becoming aware of patterns in my behavior and am trying to adjust them as I see fit. Yet for some this was not enough. And for others it is enough but I believe that they feel this gives them liscense whether they do it intentionally or not to speak in a condescending way towards me. As if any or these people has any ground to stand on. I have allowed myself to fall into a pattern which I always have and that is rely on others (more specifically one) to fight or respond for me. This has left me open to that which I detest. Being treated in a condescending manner. So as I have more of my "revelations" and become more aware of my "potential" so that I don't "waste myself" or "be unfulfilled" whatever the fuck any of that means, I am trying to exercise patience and understanding with some or maybe even many of the people in my life as I listen to them tell me what I should do with myself.

Please don't misunderstand me (lets go ahead and cut that out while we can). I am not angry at anyone. I am VERY appreciative of the fact that people give a damn about me. I am fully aware that I have talents and gifts and all the rest that makes an individual what they are. Do I know what to do with them? Somewhat yes. Have I told all that there is to say? NO. Why? Because I don't fucking feel like being talked down to. You want to see my gifts? Strength, you are reading it. Courage, I am telling the people around me how I feel about their actions, who among you can do the same? Brains? Don't even get me started. I'm saving that as my last defense against the behavior which this post is about. Physical prowess (with a blade or during sex), I haven't even used 10% of whats available to me.

You may be asking why I am writing this. The answer is the most simple and primal. Self preservation. How is this possible? I'll tell you last week was very rough for me and in the midst of all this I felt that I was being pressed not attacked but pressed on all sides, above and below about me doing something with myself. About finding fulfillment in life. It seemed to me that people were trying to change me and my behavior because they were disatisfied with me and it. I asked myself how long have these people felt this way? Has my very existence which has been in my mind based on service to others been unsatisfactory to them? Have they been lying to me the whole time? Well if my existence is unsatisfactory then why even exist then? So for the briefest moment in the smallest measure of time I asked myself why bother seeing tomorrow if it will be filled with more disappointment? Obviously nothing came about with that thought because here I am. Am I angry with someone? Yes, me. How dare I allow myself to be so weak as to let the opinion of others dictate my will to breathe? I am not samurai. None of you is my liege lord who can command my death so why bother concerning myself with your opinions? One answer and one word only will suffice. Love.

The people who read this blog hold the highest places in my heart. I love each and everyone of you. I don't say it enough and for some of you I haven't said it at all. I value each and everyone of you as individuals and as a group. Each one of you holds and guards the best parts of me. I know that each of you wants me to be happy, secure, fulfilled and taking the most out of life. So I shall be, but in my own ways. I am not an idiot there is very little escapes my attention. Just because I don't say anything for awhile doesn't mean I don't have an idea about where I'm heading. Please trust me.

sex. ok go on talk about it. its on all our minds at least 50 times a day. at least in this household. i don't know about the rest of you people. but anyway go ahead speak away. WARNING: to readers of this blog or more importantly this post my guess is its gonna get a little naughty. so if the subject of sex or the idea of me having sex offends you don't read it because i really don't give a god damn about what you think anyway if you are that uptight about it.
thanks.

A few movie quotes which kinda stick with me.
The Last Samurai
KATSUMOTO: The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life. (satisfaction in life doesn't have to mean working towards a career or school it can be found in just seeking out that which exists to be good and beautiful in its nature)
KATSUMOTO: And you do not fear death. But sometimes you wish for it. Is this not so?
ALGREN: Yes.
KATSUMOTO: I, also. It happens to men who have seen what we have seen. And then I come to this place of my ancestors. And I remember...like these blossoms, we are all dying. To know life in every breath. Every cup of tea. Every life we take. The way of the warrior.
ALGREN: Life in every breath.
KATSUMOTO: That is Bushido."

KATSUMOTO: You believe a man can change his destiny?
ALGREN: I think a man does what he can, until his destiny is revealed
(nuff said)

Fellowship of the Ring
FRODO: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
GANDALF: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

Henry V
DAUPHIN: For the Dauphin, I stand here for him. What to him from England?
EXETER: Scorn and defiance, slight regard, contempt and any thing that may not misbecome the mighty sender, doth he prize you at. Thus says my king.
(what a perfect way to insult an adversary)

Sgt. Bilko
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome ahead of time. It's more organized.

Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Love Actually
JAMIE: It's my favorite time of day, driving you.
AURELIA: [in Portuguese] It is the saddest part of my day, leaving you.
(I saw this before Susan moved in and I used to have to drive her home in the mornings)

Oh and one book quote from The Histories.
Although extraordinary valor was displayed by the entire corps of Spartans and Thespians, yet bravest of all was declared the Spartan Dienekes. It is said that on the eve of battle, he was told by a native of Trachis that Persian archers were so numerous that, when they fired their volleys, the mass of arrows blocked out the sun. Dienekes, however, quite undaunted by this prospect, remarked with a laugh, "Good. Then we'll have our battle in the shade."

So today's been a good day. Went to a birthday party for Lady #1 in my life (baby Jordan). Introduced Susan to a bunch of people. Got to walk with the baby for a while. Went back to house and to Dairy Queen. Then we went to Jason & Sarah's apartment. Jason and I went to Blockbuster and traded in games and got new ones. Susan seems to have made a new friend in Jordan. They were dancing together and playing with her toys. I'm tired and am looking forward to sleeping.
Tomorrow Susan and I are going to Sam's Club and Gordon's Food Service to price things for the reception. I think it will be fun I really enjoy planning things like this. Anyway we are almost done planning everything I think. But who knows I could get surprised anytime by anyone about something I haven't considered.
I'm reading books about having an online business. This week I'll be checking into bottling and canning. Also preservatives will be needed in the salsa so it will last in shipping and on shelves. One step at a time. Every step planned and measured. Failure is not an option. "It is by will alone that I set my mind in motion."

Well in case anyone has been living under a rock lately, Susan and I are getting married June 8th. I just mailed out invitations to the party on the 13th. I am so freakin' nervous. A line from Matrix keeps popping in my head "Impossible? No Mr. Anderson it is inevitable." Trying very hard to get resume together, but its difficult to imagine anything I've done in the past 8 years at jobs as worth telling or reading about. I'm starting to see that I've actually learned and done a lot of different things.

Hot sauce + salsa + online + my brain + a good crew = $$$$$$$$$$$
Just a thought I've been having lately. Also a store front just went up for lease across the street from the apartment, so if anybody has about $35000 sitting around feel free to lend it to me so I can open a carryout place.

Started selling stuff on e-bay last night. Its just a few games but its a start. I might throw my baseball cards and star whores toys on there too, not sure yet. I feel that anything I get from this can help pay off foolish debts and add to the nonexistent house fund. But that is also why we are having a small wedding. I mean why pay thousands and thousands of dollars for a day of stress, bull shit and dealing with people you don't even know. Or another way of looking at it is one day of memories at the big wedding or a lifetime of memories at a house. Personally I choose the house.