I called Honda and they said that I got the job its just a matter of them deciding how much to pay me. So its more waiting....again. I am really looking forward to starting there I think it will be fun.

I've had my fill of just about everything else at this point. I see somethings will never change in my life and somethings will. Oh well thats about it for right now.

Tommy DeVito : He said, "No, you're gonna tell me something today, tough guy." I said, "All right, I'll tell you something: go fuck your mother."

Well I had my drug test yesterday for Bloomfield Honda. They are also doing a background check on me as well. If everything turns out ok I should start next Monday as a service writer. Its a good position and has opportunity to makes some great money and plenty of room for growth. In the meantime my first day at the Halloween store is Tuesday. Apparently there is some kind of company policy that says relatives can't work in the same store. So I'm expecting the employment there to be very short lived. Oh well.

I'm trying to understand why I have such a hostile reaction to emotions in myself and other people. Maybe I view them as a weakness, that they get in the way of progressive movement or I just don't understand them or why I or anyone else has them. So thats something I have to work on.

I have been thinking lately that one thing may be a blessing or a curse is that whenever anybody tells me about a situation, feeling or problem I immediatly attempt to find a solution whether requested or not. Add in the hostile reaction to emotions and you have a potentialy disastrous situation. At times my attempts to resolve the situation is viewed as taking the situation and making it about me and my feelings about it. But it very rarely ever is. So now I am trying to continue to be someone that listens well and thats it, just listens and absorbs information and the experiences of the person I'm conversing with. It may take a little while for me to do this. But I believe it is possible. All I ask from everyone is a little patience and direction to let me know when I need to just listen. Thanks.

Sir Te : When it comes to emotions, even great heroes can be idiots.

Agent Smith : Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist? Neo : Because I choose to.

hmmmm

Rudy Smash! Rudy Angry! Rudy Severely Depressed!

Let me start at the beginning. Well as soon as I left Papa Johns I opened the paper to see an ad for Olsens Dental Lab. They were looking for office help. I went there had an invterview the guy looked at my resume, saw Sword and Skillet and said well since you own your own business I don't expect you to be here past a year so I don't think we will hire you.

Then I spent another 3 hours on the computer sending applications out to companies on monster, hotjobs and careerbuilder. Guess how much I've heard back.....that is correct absolutly NOTHING. Mom called and told me I should come to her dealership and put in an application. Very little feedback so far. They were concerned about me driving out there and wasting my money each week on gas, so they are trying to contact other Honda dealerships around here to find a place for me. But guess what is seems like all the people to talk to are on vacation. The frustration continues.

Susan is registering for school tomorrow and they want money of course. This will break us for 2 weeks at least. I start at this god forsaken half ass bull shit waste of time halloween store for god knows how few underpaid hours a week on monday so thats something. Here is my problem Susan wants to get a part time job because she is worried about bills. Now the only reason I don't have some dink job somewhere stocking shelves for nothing is because I was told each week about some new possibility of employment at something better. Each time I thought well here is a chance to maybe be happy and make good money or just make good money. But of course none of that was ever fruitful.

So now I am feeling more of what I have been for weeks. Helpless, stressed, useless and unhappy. Now I don't have a choice no matter what happens employment wise I'm fucked financially and emotionaly. I have to take a shit job now so that bills can be paid and Susan can try to focus on school. I cannot no matter what people say around me wait till I find something that I'm not better than. You wanna know what I'm better than? Being fucking broke all the god damn time. Feeling like a piece of shit parasite. So I have a choice either I wait for something that is "fulfilling" and "challenging" and let my wife work like she wants to, all the while being unhappy and stressed. Or I find a job making little to nothing and continue to be unhappy. Either way I'll be annoyed and probably just as bored, depressed and angry as I am now.

I really don't see a cure for my unhappiness in the near future. The only thing I take pleasure in anymore is my relationships in all of their forms. But part of me feels that even those are crumbling around me do to my self imposed isolation while I try to sort this out in the least painful way possible.
This almost unbearable to me I am feeling overwhelmed.
Somebody give me some advice please.

Elrond: Men? Men are weak. The Blood of Numenor is all but spent, its pride at dignity forgotten. It is because of Men the Ring survives. I was there, Gandalf. I was there three thousand years ago. I was there the day the strength of Men failed. I led Isildur deep into the fires of Mount Doom, the one place it could be destroyed. Isildur kept the Ring. It should have ended that day, but evil was allowed to endure. There's no strength left in the world of Men. They're scattered, divided, leaderless.

Frodo: I can't do this Sam. Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam? Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

Just something I was watching.

So Papa Johns said no to me being a driver today because of my 2 tickets in 5 years, no to being a manager in training so they wanted me to be an inside slave for minimum wage.......lets all say it together "sounds like a whole bunch of F*** that S***."
Yankee fan #1 called and told me about his interview with Verizon and said that he would tell them about me so I sent them my resume. I also applied to Sony Playstation, Burlington Coat Factory, Red Robin and Red Roof Inn.

On a happier note Susan and I went to see Josh Groban. Beautiful absolutely beautiful. Awesome birthday gift. Then on Sunday we went to the zoo. Yay! There were baby penguins learning how to swim. How cute was that. Got to see elephants play too. Got some sun so I don't look like a vampire anymore. We played with Kronos at her parents house. Then we got books from John I'll be logging them tonight. Then Wally's frozen custard, I had my first malt. Wonderous simply wonderous.

OK its official now. I start this Monday as a driver at Papa Johns. It will be part time probably only a couple nights a week. I'll still do really well money wise but that still leaves a lot of free time that I'd like to fill with other work to make more progress on stuff. Shannon will be running a Halloween store we spoke briefly about maybe me working there and that would do nicely. That way when the store closes in October we'll be far enough ahead so I can deliver and get the boxes ready for craft shows around Christmas.

So I feel better about everything now that I have a job. Going to see Josh Groban tomorrow. I can't wait! We are taking a picnic with us. Then on Sunday we are going to the zoo and Mongolian BBQ. After that we are picking up books from John for the bookstore. Later this week I'd like to start drawing out designs for boxes and learning about coffee. I want to have a menu of everything I'll be serving except the coffee by next Saturday.

7 payments left on first usa
17 payments left on the car then its all mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But of course by the time we pay off the car I'll probably have to trade it in for a minivan.

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

I am so sick of this job search bull shit. Papa Johns in their already apparent stupidity and in an obvious lack of communication skills on the part of the ownership of the store did not start training the new employees today. But instead today was a day on screening potential employees. So I stayed and interviewed for a driver position as well as a manager position. Of course it looks like I'll get the manager position. FUCK. Back in the same god damn place I was a month ago same money same bull shit hassle of being an ASS with a T at a pizza joint. Maybe I'll learn something useful in this position. HMMM maybe I'll grow a second penis while I'm at it. Both are just as likely. I believe at this point that the only way to learn something new at a pizza place is to be directly in charge of all operations assistants do nothing at those places except open the doors. Now I could be wrong about all this but I don't think its very likely.

All I want is to work and make enough money to pay shit off and move on to bigger goals I don't care how it gets done. I'm not looking to be a rocket scientist. I'm not looking to be intelectually stimulated in my work place. I don't care if I'm challenged. I just want money. Plain and simple money. It makes me very angry to think that once again I may be giving my best talents to some other jerk off who doesn't what the fuck is going on around them, for next to nothing. So am I to accept a level of discomfort and unhappiness in this job or continue to be unemployed and look for something that I might not have these feelings for. I think I might as well stay here because no matter where I go I'll probably find a better more efficient way to do whatever is put in front of me thats just a little too much brain power to use on anything that I don't own.

I looked at Macomb's website today and it looks like I'll have to pay back the pel grant if I want to attend there. However if I'm reading Wayne State correctly I can go there and not count any of my credits from Macomb and start fresh. I have no idea why I'm thinking of school. Maybe a couple business courses. Perhaps a few history courses. Who knows?

I feel cornered. I am terribly angry and ready to strike. I'm feeling almost ....wicked.


Commodus: It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.